I couldn’t commit suicide if my life depended on it.
The highly motivated people in society are the ones causing all the trouble. It’s not the lazy unmotivated folks sitting in front of a TV eating potato chips who bother anyone.
Things I wonder about the FBI’s list of the “Ten Most Wanted” criminals: When they catch a guy and he comes off the list, does number eleven automatically move up? And does he see it as a promotion? Does he call his criminal friends and say, “I made it, Bruno. I’m finally on the list”?
The radio ad “Hi, I’m Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don’t drink and drive. I don’t”. Well, I hope you don’t drive sober either Mr. Healey. You’re blind for God’s sake!
I find it discouraging – and a bit depressing – when I notice the unequal treatment afforded by the media to UFO believers on the one hand, and on the other, to those who believe in an invisible supreme being who inhabits the sky.
God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse.
When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts. Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.
I don’t have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
If you’re looking for self-help, why would you read a book written by somebody else?
I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn’t find an opening.
I’m not collegial, I don’t hang out. I’m soloist, I like my solitude, I don’t really hang around with comedians.
My tombstone? I’m thinking something along the lines of, ‘Geez, he was just here a minute ago.’
The person who is most a part of me is the performer, is the standup, the guy who says, “Hey look at me, listen to this!” I do that because that’s what I do, I love doing it.
Avoid people with gold teeth who want to play cards.
In Hawaii they say, “aloha.” That’s a nice one, It means both “hello” and “good-bye” Which just goes to show, if you spend enough time in the sun you don’t know whether you’re coming or going.
The writing is what gives me the joy, especially editing myself for the page, and getting something ready to show to the editors, and then to have a first draft and get it back and work to fix it, I love reworking, I love editing, love love love revision, revision, revision, revision.
The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is.
Hey! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!