If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
The future will soon be a thing of the past.
If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
I’ve been a performer for a long time and I know when people are laughing from their guts, from the inside, and when their tuxedos are laughing.
When someone is impatient and says, ‘I haven’t got all day,’ I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
The status quo sucks.
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I’m sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
Christians worship a dead Jew on a stick.
I always wanted and enjoyed sex, but I never put much importance on scoring or having an athletic sex life. I guess I define myself more by my career and my commitment to a relationship than by my ability to have a lot of chicks or achieve ten orgasms in an evening.
Jesus was a cross-dresser.
Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big.
The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the intellect.
I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.
I think we’re part of a greater wisdom that we will ever understand; a higher order, call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron. It doesn’t punish, it doesn’t reward, it doesn’t judge at all. It just is.
And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National.
So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
What wine goes with Captain Crunch?
Anyone who’s onstage is going to attract a certain number of misguided people. But I was never very interested in groupies. Instead of thinking about the sex, I’d always think about the clap and the crabs those people have.
Life is a near-death experience.