Most people are not particularly good at anything.
Writing books isn’t a drastic departure from writing for the stage.
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
If you’re reading it in a book, folks, it ain’t self-help. It’s help.
I believe you can joke about anything.
Running isn’t a sport because anyone can do it. Anything we can all do can’t be a sport. I can run, you can run. My mother can run, you don’t see her on the cover of Sports Illustrated do you?
I don’t own a camera, so I travel with a police sketch artist.
Where does the dentist go when he leaves the room?
The Christians are coming to get you, and they are not pleasant people.
I kind of like it when a lot of people die, and on the other hand I always wonder how many unused frequent-flier miles they had.
That invisible hand of Adam Smith’s seems to offer an extended middle finger to an awful lot of people.
A dog has no shame. If he can do it, you can watch.
If you think there is a solution, you’re part of the problem.
Does killing time damage eternity?
You know what I like about the American form of government? They’ve worked things out so that you’re never far from a 7-Eleven.
I call him Governor Bush because that’s the only political office he’s ever held legally in this country. I don’t care where they hang his portrait, I don’t care how big his library is. To me, he’ll always be Governor Bush. I don’t even capitalize his name when I type it anymore.
Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag.
I’m kinda like herpes, I just keep coming back.
Without the laughs, the audience wouldn’t be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.