You can’t be the fastest gun in town forever. There comes a time when you’re not the golden boy, and you have to go off somewhere and figure yourself out.
You ever notice that? Any time you see two groups of people who really hate each other, chances are good they’re wearing different kind of hats. Keep an eye on that, it might be important.
Spirituality: the last refuge of a failed human. Just another way of distracting yourself from who you really are.
Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can’t be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won’t be children anymore, so blow me!
I was taken to the hospital for observation. I stayed several days, didn’t observe anything, and I left.
I don’t understand the problem with paroling Charles Manson? I say set him free and let him get on with his work. I have a long list of celebrities I’d be glad to share with him.
Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.
I do something about the weather. I stay home.
I don’t think we really gave barbarism a fair try.
If a piece requires some specific inflection, I’ll record it. I take a lot of notes, and later categorize them, combining them alongside existing ideas, and eventually put a piece together.
My grandfather, mother and father were gifted verbally, and my mother passed that along to me. She always made sure I was conscious of language and words.
Before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol. It’s true. Well, they don’t want you to get an infection, and you can see their point. They don’t want some guy go to hell and be sick.
People get all upset about torture, but when you get right down to it, it’s really a pretty good way of finding out something a person doesn’t want you to know.
There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.
People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it’s a continuous process.
It’s legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.
I’m offering a special prize for the first Buick on the moon.
If you want to get rid of counterfeit money, put it in the collection plate at church.
Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning.
I grew up in New York wanting to be like those funny men in the movies and on the radio.