How can it be a spy satellite if they announce on television that it’s a spy satellite?
Sudden total weight loss.
A crazy person doesn’t really lose his mind. It just becomes something more entertaining.
Traditional American values: Genocide, aggression, conformity, emotional repression, hypocrisy, and the worship of comfort and consumer goods.
Number one, one, one on wonderful WINO.
There’s an idea that the human body is somehow evil and bad and there are parts of it that are especially evil and bad, and we should be ashamed. Fear, guilt and shame are built into the attitude toward sex and the body. It’s reflected in these prohibitions and these taboos that we have.
Religion cruelly exploits our need to feel connected.
Every day I break my own personal record for number of days I have been alive.
Heart disease has changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon for the smell.
There are actually people who go out and re-fight these battles. You know what I say? Use real ammunition! You just might raise the intelligence level of the American gene pool!
I was surprised when I started getting old. I always thought it was one of those things that would happen to someone else.
Where ideas are concerned, America can be counted on to do one of two things: Take a good idea and run it completely into the ground, or take a bad idea and run it completely into the ground.
I think TV remotes should have a button that allows you to kill the person on the screen.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
I’m in shape. Round is a shape.
The owner of a Florida massage parlor has been arrested by police. “There weren’t any serious violations,” said the officers, “she just rubbed us the wrong way.”
A pear is a failed apple.
I don’t believe there’s any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can’t completely ignore.
The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.