Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that big hammer slams it on the head of the person who lost the most money that day.
By elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
You show me something that doesn’t cause cancer, and I’ll show you something that isn’t on the market yet.
A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, He was a loner. Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with.
Whever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.
The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.
We’ve cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
If God created everything, he’s got a serious quality control problem.
Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom.
Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it’s a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, “Well, okay, that’s enough of that.”
I often wonder how different the world would be if Hitler had not been turned down when he applied to art school.
If you nail a tool shed closed, how do you put the hammer away?
Movies and television don’t make you violent; all they do is channel the violence more creatively.
The keys to America: The cross, the brew, the dollar, and the gun.
You get to play with people’s little danger zones.
Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that’s stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.
Never forget that Hitler was a Catholic.
If you had chicken at lunch and chicken at dinner, do you ever wonder if the two chickens knew each other?
The straightest line between a straight distance is two points.