The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage.
Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails.
And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.
There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot.
Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything’s dying.
Censorship that comes from the outside assumes about people an inability to make reasoned choices.
Religion is sort of like a lift in your shoes. If it makes you feel better, fine. Just don’t ask me to wear your shoes.
I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious.
Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone’s eyes out.
An art thief is a man who takes pictures.
If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it’s hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?
Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
I hope we’re not just human garbage drifting toward a big sewer. But I think so.
O. J. Simpson has already received the ultimate punishment: For the rest of his life he has to associate with golfers.
And this should go without saying. That’s why I’m going to say it: Drinking and driving don’t mix. Do your drinking early in the morning and get it out of the way. Then go driving while the visibility is still good.
I’ve never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea.
They mention that it’s a nonstop flight. Well, I must say I don’t care for that sort of thing. Call me old fashioned, but I insist that my flight stop. Preferably at an airport.
I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.
One of the first things they teach you in Driver’s Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you put ‘em at ten o’clock and two o’ clock. Never mind that. I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17. Gives me an extra half hour to get where I’m goin’.
When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.