If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.
When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.
Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.
Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense? What year did Jesus think it was?
As far as I’m concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that’s worth believing.
Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
Marry an orphan: you’ll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky.
No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.
Pardon me I’ve got nothing to say.
Your home is your refuge.
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.
If a lobster didn’t look like a sci-fi monster, people would be less able to drop him alive into boiling water.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Tits always look better in a pink sweater.
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There’s no fun now, you’re Just a sour-dumpling. What’s wrong? What’s changed?