If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense? What year did Jesus think it was?
As far as I’m concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that’s worth believing.
Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
Marry an orphan: you’ll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky.
No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.
Pardon me I’ve got nothing to say.
Your home is your refuge.
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.
If a lobster didn’t look like a sci-fi monster, people would be less able to drop him alive into boiling water.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Tits always look better in a pink sweater.
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There’s no fun now, you’re Just a sour-dumpling. What’s wrong? What’s changed?
To me, fast food is when a cheetah eats an antelope.
The truth is, Pavlov’s dog trained Pavlov to ring this bell just before the dog salivated.
Cigarette companies market heavily to young people. They need young customers because their product kills the older ones. It is the only product that, if used as intended, kills the consumer.
I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes.
You know why we’re good at it? Because we get a lot of practice. This country is only 200 years old, and already we’ve had ten major wars. We average a major war every twenty years. So we’re good at it!