I am not a complete vegetarian. I eat only animals that have died in their sleep.
On Thanksgiving, you realize you’re living in a modern world. Millions of turkeys baste themselves in millions of ovens that clean themselves.
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
I’m sure Hitler was great with his family.
You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic.
In football the object is to march into enemy territory and cross his goal. In baseball the object is to go home.
Barry Goldwater has definitely decided to be a candidate in ’64. He will campaign in all thirteen states.
If this is the best God can do, I’m not impressed.
Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.
Flowers are one of the few things we buy, bring home, watch die, and we don’t ask for our money back.
Can placebos cause side effects? If so, are the side effects real?
Have you noticed when you wear a hat for a long time it feels like it’s not there anymore? And then when you take it off it feels like it’s still there?
Geologists claim that although the world is running out of oil, there is still a 200-hundred-year supply of brake fluid.
There’s this man who lives in the sky, and he has ten things he doesn’t want you to do, and you’ll burn for a long time if you do them. But he loves you.
The only thing high-definition television will do is provide sharper images of the garbage.
I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer’s disease where they slowly began to recover other people’s lost memories.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
I’m not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.
I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.
I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.