Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate.
We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket.
I really haven’t seen this many people in one place since they took group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan administration.
It used to be cars had cool names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Now we have Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima, Tercel. Further proof that America has lost its edge.
They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!
Language always gives you away.
The captain has just turned on the fasten-seat-belt-sign. He didn’t mean to, but the joint he was smoking fell in his lap, and when he jumped up, his head hit the switch.
If you have a legal problem, guess how you determine whether or not you need a lawyer. You see a lawyer. Isn’t that weird?
I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it’s not a movie. No, especially when it’s not a movie.
In most polls there are always about 5 percent of the people who ‘don’t know.’ What isn’t generally understood is that it’s the same people in every poll.
Next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you’re in a science fiction movie. And whisper, ‘The creature is regenerating itself.’
The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.
We’ve learned how to make a living, but not a life. We’ve added years to life, not life to years.
Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other’s picture.
In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Colosseum called the Caesarian Section.
Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.
If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn’t you? “Would you like some breadsticks?” “No, thank you, I don’t play bread. I play drums. Perhaps I’ll have a drum roll.”
Give now. Somewhere, someone feels crappy. You can help.
Leftovers make you feel good twice. First, when you put it away, you feel thrifty and intelligent: ‘I’m saving food!’ Then a month later when blue hair is growing out of the ham, and you throw it away, you feel really intelligent: ‘I’m saving my life!’
In high school, when I first heard of entropy, I was attracted to it immediately. They said that in nature all systems are breaking down, and I thought, What a wonderful thing; perhaps I can make some small contribution to this process, myself.