People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can’t do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: ‘I’m such a klutz!’ But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend – I didn’t bother with him.
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
I’m happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.
If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
My mother would say, ‘Why are you always playing alone?’ And I would say, ‘I’m not playin’, Ma. I’m fuckin’ serious!
And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.
When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
I don’t have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.
Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it’s trying to save its body.
Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason.
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.
They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.
Always do whatever’s next.
Twat is twat and that is that.
You know what these “God Bless America” people oughta do? They oughta check with that Jesus fellow they’re so crazy about. They’re always talking about “What would Jesus do?” They don’t wanna know so they can do it – they just wanna know so they can tell other people to do it!
Never approach a crying woman entering a sports bar carrying a harpoon gun.
This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.
That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.