You know what these “God Bless America” people oughta do? They oughta check with that Jesus fellow they’re so crazy about. They’re always talking about “What would Jesus do?” They don’t wanna know so they can do it – they just wanna know so they can tell other people to do it!
Never approach a crying woman entering a sports bar carrying a harpoon gun.
This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.
That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.
Life is sacred? Who said so? God? Hey, if you read history, you realize that God is one of the leading causes of death.
All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another.
No one has to come see my shows who doesn’t like me talking about white Christians. They are free not buy a ticket. They’re free to leave at any time. So I’m not imposing anything on anyone. Therefore I feel free to cross the line.
Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
I try not to see new comics – their acts or their films. Part of that is professional. I don’t want to be influenced. But another part is fear and jealousy. I’m afraid to see how good they might be. I don’t like that emotion, but it’s part of me.
Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.
Language is a tool for concealing the truth. If we could read each other’s minds, this would be a horror show.
If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else.
I like to control my environment, because I feel if I have my physical space in order, then I’m free to dream. So there is some compulsion involved. But the dividend I get is the freedom to be totally disorderly in my dreamworld.
Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
I’ve set my own rules to live by. The first one is: ‘Never believe ANYthing the government says.’
There is a planet named Pluto, but we don’t have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.
I profess no belief in God, which by definition is true, especially if we take the accepted definition of God. But to be an atheist is to also have a belief, and have a system, and I don’t know that I like that either.
More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason.