Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.
We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.
The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.
I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?
Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
So, have a little fun. Soon enough you’ll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Let a smile be your umbrella, and you’ll end up with a face full of rain.
Religion is just mind control.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
Don’t give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. ‘Tom, I’d like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.’ These days, Trajedi.
If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.
Electricity is really just organized lighting.