Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear ‘27 months.’ ‘He’s two’ will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.
When you’re born into this world, you’re given a ticket to the freak show. If you’re born in America you get a front row seat.
Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain, For strip-mined mountain’s majesty above the asphalt plain. America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.
The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.