President Bush released his tax returns yesterday. He listed the economy as a liability. He gets to write that off.
The other night, President Bush’s press conference was pre-empted by ‘American Idol.’ You know the difference between President Bush and ‘American Idol?’ See, on ‘American Idol,’ the one with the most votes wins.
If any job should give you a company car, it’s the car bomb business.
Folks, we’re starting to learn more and more about that man arrested in the New York SUV car bombing case. His name is Faisal Shahzad. He’s from Pakistan. What tipped off the authorities he might be the bomber? His name is Faisal Shahzad. He’s from Pakistan.
So, the Phoenix Suns are wearing jerseys written in Spanish, made in China, modeled after their best player, Canadian Steve Nash. There you go. That is America.
It’s always bad news when you kill your date.
President Bush said that our kids must be taught how to read. He said if his aides never learned to read, they’d never be able to tell him what’s in the newspapers every day.
Oscar nominations came out today. Up for best actor, Sean Penn for ‘Mystic River,’ Jude Law for ‘Cold Mountain,’ and of course, George W. Bush for ‘Iraqi Weapons of Mass Destruction.’
We ought to thank President Bush. He made it a lot easier for people to do taxes this year. No job, no income tax this year.
President Bush went out touting his economic record in Ohio last week. Now this is a state that lost 225,000 jobs since Bush took office. You know, if Bush wants to tout his record, he should do it somewhere where the Bush economy has actually created jobs, like India, or Thailand, or China.
If you restore a car, and you’re making money, then you’re doing it wrong.
House Speaker John Boehner says President Obama should have clearly outlined his exact plans before bombing Libya. Apparently it’s only Iraq where you don’t have to do that.
Attorney General John Ashcroft said there is a new credible terrorist threat. He said everything is under control; not to panic. And then he went back to his harmonically sealed bunker.
Nike actually has a pair of shoes called Air-Turbulence. Try getting past airline security wearing those. Might as well call them Air-Osama.
Postal inspectors have been given advanced warning that Publishers Clearinghouse is sending packets of laundry detergent that could be mistaken for anthrax. Oh, good timing. What genius came up with this promotion? What’s next – a ticking alarm clock? Let’s put that in a box.
A lot of people are now criticizing Attorney General John Ashcroft for his policy on detaining what he considers suspicious people. I think he’s going a little overboard. Today, he arrested the entire band Foreigner.
Geraldo has returned to the states. See? I told you airline security was a joke.
I flew this past weekend. I went through airport security and said to the guy, ‘Is everything okay?’ He said, ‘You might want to have that mole on your ass checked out.’ That seems a little personal to me.
We are in a code orange. Homeland Security said earlier today that everyone should have a roll of duct tape and plastic sheeting to protect your house in event of terrorist attacks. Who came up with this idea? MacGyver?
More warnings issued by all branches of the government today that another terrorist attack is imminent. We’re not sure when, we’re not sure where, just that it is coming. Who is attacking us now, the cable company?