More and more facts coming out about Osama bin Laden. You know, he never sleeps in the same place two nights in a row, just like Clinton.
People want to say there isn’t racial profiling at the airport, but let’s be honest. If you first name is Mohammed, and your last name isn’t Ali, leave a little extra time.
This is my favorite story of the week. The Republican National Committee is in trouble after spending nearly $2,000 at a bondage club in Hollywood. You know what I call a Republican that spends a lot of money in a strip club? A Democrat.
Oliver North says he is very upset that John Walker could come back to this country and cash in on his celebrity status. He hates to see someone who did something wrong get rewarded by writing a book or getting a TV show out of it.
That American Taliban kid Johnny Walker was indicted today. Ten counts of terrorism. He could get 5 life sentences. In Taliban terms, that’s 360 virgins.
Johnny Walker, the American that fought for the Taliban, is now talking with an Arabic accent. Have you heard him? It’s ridiculous. I know how we should handle him. Let’s bring him back here and take him to Cleveland Browns stadium and dress him up as a referee. They’ll know how to take care of him!
Today the Justice Department released e-mails where Walker criticized America. In the e-mails he said he never wanted to set foot in America again. See, that’s the good part about hanging somebody. Their feet don’t touch the ground.
American Taliban John Walker Lindh has pleaded guilty to two counts of terrorism and will face twenty years in prison. I guess that means his jihad is on ji-hold.
Martha Stewart was found guilty on all charges. You know what that means, stripes are in this year.
As you know President Bush has been traveling around the country trying to sell his new Social Security plan. He wants to take our retirement money and invest it in the stock market. He says nothing can go wrong. I’ll mention that to Martha Stewart the next time I see her.
Martha Stewart published her recipe for disaster – mix one part arrogance with two parts incompetence, simmer in the juices and then serve hot in the can.
Have you seen the cover of Newsweek? They have Martha Stewart on the cover, but it’s not actually Martha. It’s a doctored photo. They put Martha’s head on a slimmer woman’s body. And Martha was very upset about this. She said, ‘Hey, if I wanted my face on another woman’s body, I’d stay in prison.’
Martha Stewart is now under house arrest. So she’ll go to her $40 million 153-acre estate. So she’s going from the big house to an even bigger house.
The leaders of the Taliban said today that killing bin Laden won’t solve the problem. But, you know, it couldn’t hurt.
Con artists are using Obamacare confusion to sign people up for fake health insurance. The scammers lure victims with false promises like, ‘If you like your healthcare plan, you can keep your healthcare plan.’ The scammers will tell you that, so you have to be careful.
The White House has now released military documents that they say prove George Bush met his requirements for the National Guard. Big deal, we’ve got documents that prove Al Gore won the election.
50% of Americas population spends less than 10 dollars a month on romance. You know what we call these people? Men!
Experts are saying that President Bush’s goal now is to politically humiliate Saddam Hussein. Why don’t we just make him the next Democratic presidential nominee?
Several states are now looking into the possibility of taxing marijuana as a source of revenue. That is so typical of the government, isn’t it? Trying to squeeze blood from a stoner.
55% of all Americans lose their remote control 5 times a week. That means that they must see the same show for up to 3-4 minutes a time!