Man will do many things to get himself loved, he will do all things to get himself envied.
Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial ‘we.’
I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.
Nothing so needs reforming as other people’s habits.
Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered – either by themselves or by others.
I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.
It is easier to stay out than get out.
Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.
Biographies are but the clothes and buttons of the man. The biography of the man himself cannot be written.
George Washington, as a boy, was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth. He could not even lie.
Ideally a book would have no order to it, and the reader would have to discover his own.
Necessity is the mother of taking chances.
To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble.
Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which before their union were not perceived to have any relation.
Let us not be too particular; it is better to have old secondhand diamonds than none at all.
We are all alike, on the inside.
I make it a rule never to smoke while I’m sleeping.
What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing he knew nobody had said it before.
Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.
Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.