Suddenly, people had three phone numbers but never answered their phones.
It’s the Night of the Living Dead. It’s scary out here.
My daughter made me a Jerry Springer-watching kit, with crackers, Cheez Whiz, polyester stretch pants and a T-shirt with two fat women fighting over a skinny guy.
Here is my personal opinion about prostitution. If men knew how to do it, they wouldn’t have to pay for it.
Whatever helps you sleep is my opinion on the subject, and that’s what I like about the western world’s most popular religion, it has helped put so many people to sleep, although most of them permanently and without their approval.
My husband is almost as heavy as I am. We were married in adjoining churches.
I have more money than God, but not as much as Oprah.
I quit smoking. I feel better. I smell better. And it’s safer to drink out of old beer cans laying around the house.
Everything here must be done twice as no one can do it right the first time.
There isn’t a problem on this earth that a doughnut cannot make better.
It’s not really the job of a public servant to inspire, but to get the job that the people demand done. The Democrats think that if they have hope and are inspired, things will get better, but they actually won’t.
My best friend Linda is leaving her husband just because he is unfaithful to her. That is no reason to leave the person. I feel like after that, you should stay with them and make sure that the rest of their life is sheer hell.
I’ve never done anything for money, and that is why I got money. When you do stuff for money, you never get money.
I used to think that communing with nature was a healing, positive thing. Now, I think I’d like to commune with other things – like room service and temperature control.
I didn’t know that being in a relationship meant you had to be nice. I thought it meant you had to hack away at the other person until they were beaten down and then were too afraid to leave.
I avoided reality for most of my life. But once you deal with it, it’s kind of cool.
Impeach the President and the Vice President, they are traitors to America, and so are all of their supporters. Impeach! Anyone in congress who refuses to save our union from these traitors by doing nothing needs to be recalled.
My kids were completely out of control, while I was working fifteen hours a day plus weekends. I screamed a lot, something I’m not particularly proud of, but it was that or firearms.
I’m fat and proud of it. If someone asks me how my diet is going, I say ‘Fine – how was your lobotomy?’
You must never be afraid in New York City, because then you will call bad stuff to you and you will not like it there.