College was a wonderful time – except, of course, when it was trying to teach you things.
The measure ov overexposure is not how many times people see you on TV or in the bookstores. It’s whether you can maintain the quality of your entertainment. If you can, people will always be glad to see you.
After creating the heaven, the earth, the ocean, and the entire animal kingdom, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was “Don’t.”
If you took your child to the dentist and check for cavities, the child likely won’t get them. If you take them just for emergency, that’s all they’re gonna get.
It’s more blessed to give than to receive – especially kittens.
It is not a matter of who is rejecting me, as much as it is somebody may get it, and I am going to keep plowing through it because in this world of education, there is a harvest.
I don’t wear no condom and I don’t plan for no kids.
The weatherman is always right. It’s just his timing that’s off.
The only thing that you can get into without a lot of trouble is a lot of trouble.
Now, this is the fun part about getting stoned. They get stoned, then they become paranoid. Now, when they started out, they said, “Let’s get high and have fun.” So they’re high; now they’re paranoid. “Am I falling out of this chair?”
My father would pass gas and then blame it on imaginary animals.
My mother comes in my room and says, “Just look at this mess! This is a pig sty!” Now, I’ve already been in the room five hours, and she wants me to LOOK at it.
My wife was a beautiful woman before we had children.
The dentist drills some more and you hear him make a mistake. And to cover it up, they all say the same thing: “Okay, rinse.”
I think you need to make responsibility something that’s not just a word.
Raising children is an incredibly hard and risky business in which no cumulative wisdom is gained: each generation repeats the mistakes the previous one made.
All men should freely use those seven words which have the power to make any marriage run smoothly: You know dear, you may be right.
You are more important to yourself than you think you are.
Fatherhood is telling your daughter that Michael Jackson loves all his fans, but has special feelings for the ones who eat broccoli.
Fathers are the geniuses of the house because only a person as intelligent as we could fake such stupidity.