Golf is a funny game. It’s done much for health, and at the same time has ruined people by robbing them of their peace of mind. Look at me, I’m the healthiest idiot in the world.
I have a wonderful make-up crew. They’re the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.
Congress may be going home for the holidays soon. How can you beat a Christmas gift like that?
It’s amazing how many people you see on TV. I did my first television show a month ago, and the next day five million television sets were sold. The people who couldn’t sell theirs threw them away.
Kissing is like drinking tea with a tea strainer, you can never get enough.
I can still chase women, only downhill.
I’ve always felt England was a great place for a comic to work. It’s an island and the audience can’t run very far.
As soon as the war ended, we located the one spot on earth that hadn’t been touched by the war and blew it to hell.
I need money. I have a staff of 30, and four houses, never mind the government, to support.
It gave dirty politics a bad name.
If I had that kind of money, I wouldn’t come to Vietnam, I’d send for it.
Please don’t stand up on my account.
I felt I wasn’t getting anywhere in England.
Now that the war is winding down, I want to say I do appreciate you fellows hanging around here – just for me.
I see the Beatles have arrived from England. They were 40 pounds overweight – and that was just their hair.
I’ve got to watch myself these days. It’s too exciting watching anyone else.
Dying is to be avoided because it can ruin your whole career.
My folks were English. They were too poor to be British. I still have a bit of British in me. In fact, my blood type is solid marmalade.
Lots of travel, away from home.
A very, very religious man. Every time I eat a peanut, I feel immortal.