Sure Vietnam is a dirty war. I’ve never heard of a clean one.
The only time to believe any kind of rating is when it shows you at the top.
Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.
You could buy my book in a paperback edition for a dollar, and in hard covers for $3.50. And for fifty cents extra, I come around to your house personally and wet your finger while you’re turning the pages.
For the first time, you can actually see the losers turn green.
Most of the people who came for dancing lessons had Rumba ambitions and minuet bodies.
Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
I love flying. I’ve been to almost as many places as my luggage.
A few years ago he had a big heart transplant in Chicago, a five-hour operation. It took the doctors four hours to get him on the operating table.
Happiness is watching the TV at your girlfriend’s house during a power failure.
Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off, and it was so successful she turned it into a series.
Everybody is afraid they won’t have any money after they die, but Jack Benny discovered a way to take it with him. He had his appendix taken out and a piggy bank put in.
Culture is the ability to describe Jane Russell without moving your hands.
Not that they were that anxious to see Ronnie as President; they were afraid if he didn’t get elected, he’d go back to acting.
I’m so old they’ve cancelled my blood type.
I’d give up golf if I didn’t have so many sweaters.
Golf is a hard game to figure. One day you will go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and, for no reason at all, you really stink.
I once showed Pat Bradley my swing and said, ‘What do I do next?’ Pat replied, ‘Wait till the pain dies down.’
Television. That’s where movies go when they die.
Titleist has offered me a big contract not to play its balls.