The firm is really ahead of the times. It has a stock market ticker that prints its report on thin aspirins.
Timing is the essence of life, and definitely of comedy.
That’s life. The older you get, the tougher it is to score.
Take nine strokes off your score. Skip the last hole.
Audiences are my best friends. You never tire of talking with your best friends.
I do try to work out a little. I go swimming twice a day. It beats buying golf balls.
I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.
I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.
I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn’t for the stuff the audience threw at me.
With today’s movies, if we took out all the bad language, we’d go back to silent films.
Democrats have an answer to the unemployment problem. They’re all running for the Presidency.
I don’t know if the presidential candidates are running for the White House or Animal House.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
If he slices the budget like he slices a golf ball, the nation has nothing to worry about.
The last time I played golf with President Ford he hit a birdie. And an eagle, a moose, an elk, an aardvark...
We’re on our way to the Persian Gulf. Wait! It’s a mistake! I thought they said Persian Golf.
It’s not hard to find Gerry Ford on a golf course – you just follow the wounded.
Pebble Beach is Alcatraz with grass.
On one hole, I hit an alligator so hard, he’s now my golf bag.
Jimmy Stewart could have been a good golfer, but he speaks so slowly that by the time he yells ‘Fore!’ the guy he’s hit is already in an ambulance on the way to the hospital.