When people try to read between the lines – critics, they have a job. Their job is to make something bigger than it is.
Who’s judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!
Wealth is not about having a lot of money; it’s about having a lot of options.
When I do something good, the audience lets me know immediately. They laugh. That’s it.
You can’t be happy that fire cooks your food and be mad it burns your fingertips.
Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.
Hollywood’s racist. Hollywood is sorority racist. It’s like – we like you, Rhonda, but you’re not a Kappa.
Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
Eddie Murphy is to comedians what Nicki Minaj is to Spanx.
You know the world is messed up when the tallest man in the NBA is Chinese, the best golfer is black, and the best rapper is white.
Gas is getting so expensive I’m gonna ride a mexican to work.
Being a comedian is a lot like being an athlete. If you’re Carl Lewis and you’re the fastest, then no matter what you’re the fastest.
Unlike flying or astral projection, walking through walls is an earthbound pursuit...
An entertainer’s reputation as a live act is the most valuable thing he or she can have. If people know you give good shows, you’ll never be broke for the rest of your life.
Comedians are the one who have to tell the emperor he has no clothes on.
I don’t need a president with a bucket list!
We were so poor my daddy unplugged the clocks when we went to bed.
And even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you don’t gotta go to no doctor to get it taken out, whoever shot you will take they bullet back! “I believe you have my property!”
If a kid calls his grandma “Mommy” and his mama “Pam”, he’s going to jail!