If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.
If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn’t sell much – just an occasional sun visor.
Groucho: You know I think you’re the most beautiful woman in the world? Woman: Really? Groucho: No, but I don’t mind lying if it gets me somewhere.
Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn’t time to dig trenches. We’ll have to buy them ready made.
Always examine the dice.
She’s afraid that if she leaves, she’ll become the life of the party.
The foods that are recommended today are as palatable as a steady diet of wet blotters.
Don’t let the fear of the thorn keep you from the rose.
Middle age is when you go to bed at night and hope you feel better in the morning. Old age is when you go to bed at night and hope you wake up in the morning.
What have future generations ever done for us?
Any place I hang my head is home.
Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows – marriage does.
Do you mind if I don’t smoke?
As soon as I get through with you, you’ll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.
No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
A moose is an animal with horns on the front of its head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it.
Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.
Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses.
All geniuses die young.
And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!