She’s so in love with me, she doesn’t know anything. That’s why she’s in love with me.
Don’t be silly. I’ll write you twice a week.
Remember men, you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably more than she ever did.
You’ve got a goal in life. I’ve got a goal. Now all we need is a football team.
Blood’s not thicker than money.
In any relationship, the woman has control, the clever ones don’t let the men know.
Today’s Father Day and we’re giving you a tie, it’s not much you know, it’s just our way of showing you, you’re a regular guy.
Was that you or the duck?
I’ve been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.
Sir, are you trying to offer me a bribe? How much.
I can see you in the kitchen bending over a hot stove, and I can’t see the stove.
How would you like to feel the way she looks.
Budget: a way of going broke methodically.
I know, I know – you’re a woman who’s had a lot of tough breaks. Well, we can clean and tighten those brakes, but you’ll have to stay in the garage all night.
I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.
My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.
Given the choice between a woman and a cigar, I will always choose the cigar.
He’s so full of alcohol, if you put a lighted wick in his mouth he’d burn for three days.
I’d have liked to have gone to bed with Jean Harlow. She was a beautiful broad. The fellow who married her was impotent and he killed himself. I would have done the same thing.
This book was written in those long hours I spent waiting for my wife to get dressed to go out. And if she had never gotten dressed at all this book would never have been written.