I know, I know – you’re a woman who’s had a lot of tough breaks. Well, we can clean and tighten those brakes, but you’ll have to stay in the garage all night.
My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.
Given the choice between a woman and a cigar, I will always choose the cigar.
He’s so full of alcohol, if you put a lighted wick in his mouth he’d burn for three days.
I’d have liked to have gone to bed with Jean Harlow. She was a beautiful broad. The fellow who married her was impotent and he killed himself. I would have done the same thing.
This book was written in those long hours I spent waiting for my wife to get dressed to go out. And if she had never gotten dressed at all this book would never have been written.
I’ve met a lot of pin-up girls, but I’ve never been able to pin one down.
Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?
You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, and that’s not saying much for you.
I’m gonna put extra blankets, free, in all your rooms, and there’ll be no cover charge.
Oh, why can’t we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean flee to my lodge in the hills.
Oh, are you from Wales? Do you know a fella named Jonah-He used to live in whales for a while.
Don’t look now, but there’s one too many in this room and I think it’s you.
Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put “Emily, I love you” on the back of the bill.
I cannot say that I don’t disagree with you.
My brother thinks he’s a chicken-We don’t talk him out of it because we need the eggs.
Jail is no place for a young fellow. There’s no advancement.
Gerald Ford was unknown throughout America. Now he’s unknown throughout the world.
If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again.
I started smoking as soon as I went on the stage. I’d make cigars out of the Morning World when I was a kid.