I’m a militant fundamentalist atheist. I’m going to get on a crowded train, unbutton my coat and say rational things. People will be hurt.
Being honest is what counts. To make the ordinary extraordinary is so much better than starting with the extraordinary.
Celebrities, make it harder for hackers to get nude pics of you from your computer by not putting nude pics of yourself on the computer.
It breaks your heart when you throw something away, but it’s what left that counts. It’s like worrying about the bits of rock you have knocked off in order to make a beautiful statue. You’ve wasted half the rock, yeah, but it’s the Venus di Milo!
What will it feel like after you die? Exactly the same as it felt for those billions of years before you were born.
It will be great to play a short, fat sweaty loser for a change.
I remember one review of The Office Christmas Special that compared it unfavourably to Dickens. What? You’re saying I’m not as good as the greatest storyteller ever. Boo! Boo! I think I can live with that.
America champions the underdog. We champion the underdog until he’s not the underdog anymore, and he annoys us.
My greatest hero is Nelson Mandela. What a man. Incarcerated for 25 years, he was released in 1990 and he hasn’t reoffended. I think he’s going straight, which shows you prison does work.
Pol Pot – he rounded up anybody he thought was intellectual and had them executed. And how he told someone was intellectual or not was whether they wore glasses. If they’re that clever, take them off when they see him coming!
When someone thanks God, I don’t get offended.
There’s a difference between a job and a career – if you’re the boss you don’t stop at six o’clock, you have to worry about everything all the time.
Try something. And never be afraid to fail. That failure is useful too. It’s just another building block.
You do your own thing and you see if you survive.
That’s the amazing thing about life. You can just rub it out, like a blackboard, and start again.
Do this or you’ll burn in hell.
She said, ‘I’m your biggest fan,’ and I said, ‘Who are you?’ She said, ‘Paris Hilton.’
My ideal meal would probably be the cheesiest pasta or pizza, followed by something creamy and chocolaty. I mean, just the worst things, really.
I no longer needed a reason for my existence, just a reason to live. And imagination, free will, love, humor, fun, music, sports, beer, and pizza are all good enough reasons for living. But living an honest life – for that you need the truth.
For any of you who don’t know, the Golden Globes are just like the Oscars, but without all that esteem. The Golden Globes are to the Oscars what Kim Kardashian is to Kate Middleton. A bit louder, a bit trashier, a bit drunker, and more easily bought.