Good people end up in Hell because they can’t forgive themselves.
Gentlemen, haven’t we learned anything from the music of John Lennon? All we need is love.
There’s a world out there. Open a window, and it’s there.
It was kind of a decompression – from straight alcohol to mixed drinks to wine to spritzers – and then you’re out.
It’s always great when you want scientific fact to get a really good science fiction writer to talk to you about it.
I never performed on drugs. That’d be stupid. It’s the same thing with athletes. They can’t perform when they have cocaine problems.
The great thing about marriage is the idea of really getting to know someone. And really getting to know a woman is a life long task.
To be acknowledged for who and what I am, no more, no less. Not for acclaim, not for approval, but, the simple truth of that recognition. This has been the elemental drive of my existence, and it must be achieved, if I am to live or die with dignity.
Compassionate conservative, that’s like having a gun rack on a Volvo.
Ronald Reagan is the world’s largest Muppet.
I’m history! No, I’m mythology! Nah, I don’t care what I am, I’m free!
To make fun of an administration, to make fun of anything, Mark Twain said, is the last defense of democracy.
When you really do find a new idea or you’re in and it’s all working, that’s the gift. It’s like a musician when they hit a riff, that’s when you’re like all right, it’s mellow. You back off and just ride it.
If you want to die, don’t make a mistake and not quite kill yourself because the medical bills in America are hideous.
Before the Web, there was just one guy running around saying ‘I KNOW!’
Being alone onstage is like legalized insanity.
It is hard to find something where you can go off as much as I do in stand-up, but I think stand-up allows me that freedom where you can really go off and have a good time.
They’re talking about partial nuclear disarmament, which is also like talking about partial circumcision – you either go all the way or forget it.
When the Williams sisters play tennis, it gets pretty hot. When they start grunting, I’m in.
I’m an Episcopal, which is Catholic Lite. It’s like same religion, half the guilt.