My favorite is when you go to Afghanistan and you meet the special forces guys, and they look like these heavily armed surfers. These guys are the best. You see guys dressed as full Afghans, but then wearing a Yankees hat.
Canada is like a loft apartment over a really great party.
There’s a time for daring and there’s a time for caution, and a wise man understands which is called for.
I love being backstage, or doing littler things like Blame Canada.
The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.
There are times when life’s just real quiet and simple. I sometimes get tired of people saying, “Well, what are you really like?”
Seize the day. Make your life extraordinary.
There’s three things in this world that you need: Respect for all kinds of life, a nice bowel movement on a regular basis, and a navy blazer.
I started doing comedy because that was the only stage that I could find. It was the pure idea of being on stage. That was the only thing that interested me, along with learning the craft and working, and just being in productions with people.
Our job is improving the quality of life, not just delaying death.
Incoming is not the thing you want to hear at Christmas.
Stand-up is the place where you can do things that you could never do in public. Once you step on stage you’re licensed to do that. It’s an understood relationship. You walk on stage – it’s your job.
Good people end up in Hell because they can’t forgive themselves.
Gentlemen, haven’t we learned anything from the music of John Lennon? All we need is love.
There’s a world out there. Open a window, and it’s there.
It was kind of a decompression – from straight alcohol to mixed drinks to wine to spritzers – and then you’re out.
It’s always great when you want scientific fact to get a really good science fiction writer to talk to you about it.
I never performed on drugs. That’d be stupid. It’s the same thing with athletes. They can’t perform when they have cocaine problems.
The great thing about marriage is the idea of really getting to know someone. And really getting to know a woman is a life long task.
To be acknowledged for who and what I am, no more, no less. Not for acclaim, not for approval, but, the simple truth of that recognition. This has been the elemental drive of my existence, and it must be achieved, if I am to live or die with dignity.