We don’t read and write poetry because it’s cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race.
Avoid using the word ‘very’ because it’s lazy. A man is not very tired, he is exhausted. Don’t use very sad, use morose. Language was invented for one reason boys – to woo women – and in that endeavor, laziness will not do.
Sometimes you got to specifically go out of your way to get into trouble. It’s called fun.
When you create you get a little endorphin rush. Why do you think Einstein looked like that?
I stand upon my desk to remind myself that we must constantly look at things in a different way.
Improv. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, but when it does, it’s like open-field running.
As an alcoholic, you will violate your standards quicker than you can lower them.
My favorite is when you go to Afghanistan and you meet the special forces guys, and they look like these heavily armed surfers. These guys are the best. You see guys dressed as full Afghans, but then wearing a Yankees hat.
My battles with addiction definitely shaped how I am now. They really made me deeply appreciate human contact. And the value of friends and family, how precious that is.
Canada is like a loft apartment over a really great party.
There’s a time for daring and there’s a time for caution, and a wise man understands which is called for.
I love being backstage, or doing littler things like Blame Canada.
The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.
There are times when life’s just real quiet and simple. I sometimes get tired of people saying, “Well, what are you really like?”
Seize the day. Make your life extraordinary.
There’s three things in this world that you need: Respect for all kinds of life, a nice bowel movement on a regular basis, and a navy blazer.
I started doing comedy because that was the only stage that I could find. It was the pure idea of being on stage. That was the only thing that interested me, along with learning the craft and working, and just being in productions with people.
Our job is improving the quality of life, not just delaying death.
Incoming is not the thing you want to hear at Christmas.
Stand-up is the place where you can do things that you could never do in public. Once you step on stage you’re licensed to do that. It’s an understood relationship. You walk on stage – it’s your job.