Compassionate conservative, that’s like having a gun rack on a Volvo.
Ronald Reagan is the world’s largest Muppet.
I’m history! No, I’m mythology! Nah, I don’t care what I am, I’m free!
To make fun of an administration, to make fun of anything, Mark Twain said, is the last defense of democracy.
When you really do find a new idea or you’re in and it’s all working, that’s the gift. It’s like a musician when they hit a riff, that’s when you’re like all right, it’s mellow. You back off and just ride it.
If you want to die, don’t make a mistake and not quite kill yourself because the medical bills in America are hideous.
Before the Web, there was just one guy running around saying ‘I KNOW!’
Being alone onstage is like legalized insanity.
It is hard to find something where you can go off as much as I do in stand-up, but I think stand-up allows me that freedom where you can really go off and have a good time.
They’re talking about partial nuclear disarmament, which is also like talking about partial circumcision – you either go all the way or forget it.
When the Williams sisters play tennis, it gets pretty hot. When they start grunting, I’m in.
I’m an Episcopal, which is Catholic Lite. It’s like same religion, half the guilt.
The sort of liveliness which increases with age is not far distant from madness.
If there was a pill that allowed you to drink and not get drunk, an alcoholic would go What happens if you take two?
Taking Viagra after open heart surgery is like a Civil War re-enactment with live ammo. Not good.
Do you get the feeling with Sarah Palin, in high school, she was voted least likely to write a book and most likely to burn one?
What’s true in our minds is true, whether some people know it or not.
Change is not popular; we are creatures of habit as human beings. ‘I want it to be the way it was.’ But if you continue the way it was there will be no ‘is.’
I always wanted to play a big, black man, but that would cost too much make-up.
Canadian money is also called the loony. How can you take an economic crisis seriously?