You appreciate little things, like walks on the beach with a defibrillator.
The meek may inherit the earth, but they don’t get in to Harvard.
Don’t mess with me, man, I’m a lawyer!
In America, they really do mythologize people when they die.
If I could light my own farts I could fly to the moon or at least Uranus.
What’s my credibility? Why are they looking to me for advice? Isn’t there someone more qualified?
I went to rehab for alcoholism in wine country, just to keep my options open.
The little idiosyncrasies that only I know about: that’s what made her my wife. Oh she had the goods on me too, she knew all my little peccadilloes. People call these things imperfections, but they’re not. Ah, that’s the good stuff!
When I was growing up they used to say, “Robin, drugs can kill you.” Now that I’m 58 my doctor’s telling me, “Robin, you need drugs to live.” I realize now that my doctor is also my dealer...
My preference is live performance, because you get the feedback. There’s an energy. It’s live theater. That’s why I think actors like that.
And some people say Jesus wasn’t Jewish. Of COURSE he was Jewish! 30 years old, single, lives with his parents, come on! He works in his father’s business, his mom thought he was God’s gift, he’s Jewish! Give it up!
Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go “omg, omg, wtf, zzz”? Is that rude?
A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills, no, no. They’d make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while.
Politics is so personal, vicious and immediate, how are you going to get anything done? Even the local politics where I live have gotten so ugly.
No man is an island; but some are peninsulas.
Acting is different from stand-up. It gives you this ability to enter into another character, to create another person.
Dreams don’t deal in time. Time doesn’t count.
The things we fear the most have already happened to us.
Even when I did my Broadway show, I did 15 minutes no one had seen before, because that was the night that Michael Jackson protested about Al Sharpton bailing on him. I said, “Wow, if that man bails on you, this must be really a lost cause.”
Death – to blink for an exceptionally long period of time.