Clouds are like boogers hanging on the nostrils of the moon.
Go pump some neurons. Expand your craniums.
You’re still young. Being a true loser takes years of inaptitude.
What is this demilitarized zone? Whatever it is, I like it! Gets you on your toes better than a strong cup of cappuccino.
My mother’s idea of natural childbirth was giving birth without makeup. She was hyper-positive – the world is a wonderful place, rainbows and unicorns. If you said anything contrary to her, you were basically exiled.
For a while you get mad, then you get over it.
Mickey Mouse to a three-year-old is a six-foot-tall RAT!
It’s hotter than a snake’s ass in a wagon rut.
With a bike you go from zero to a hundred in terms of mobility.
You’re going to the cemetery with your toothbrush. How Egyptian.
You’d think all of these “atypical” somethings would add up to a typical something.
They say our mothers really know how to push our buttons – because they installed them.
If I ever asked you about love, you’d probably quote me a sonnet. But you’ve never looked a woman and been totally vulnerable.
Three wishes – no substitutes, exchanges or refunds.
We’re not laughing at you – we’re laughing near you.
What kind of man gives cigarettes to trees.
I can be trained, I can actually show you how intelligent I am, I can use a word like delicatessen and know what it means.
When I find out a hotel doesn’t have a DSL, it’s like “What? There’s no toilet?” Once you get used to high speed you ain’t going back.
It’s cheaper to keep her.
When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, ‘Can I use a lifeline?’