I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they’ll kill you.
If you have enough book space, I don't want to talk to you.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
It usually takes me two or three days to prepare an impromptu speech.
Dinosaurs are extinct today because they lacked opposable thumbs and the brainpower to build a space program.
Comedy is acting out optimism.
In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.