The thing I don’t understand about homosexuals is, how do they decide which one is the one who’s supposed to pretend they don’t want it?
I just don’t think a lot of Republicans like it when single women have sex.
There’s no greater model, in my view, than Jesus Christ.
New Rule: The people of America who were most in favor of the Iraq War must now go there and fight it.
I’m staying in a strange hotel. I called room service for a sandwich and they sent up two hookers.
I don’t know if you heard the news, but Wall Street now is a farmer’s market. I don’t want to say things are going downhill quickly, but Obama’s new campaign slogan is ‘Are you better off than you were four days ago?’
And to answer the question that people have about this conspiracy theory that he has a pack in his back, my answer is, if someone was feeding him answers, couldn’t they be able to feed him better ones than he came up with?
I think what’s dangerous is the idea that someone can wash away your sins.
Saddam Hussein is Hitler like Oasis was The Beatles.
In this country your guilty until proven wealthy.
Why are there so many puritans in this country, and why can’t the rest of us make them go away?!
I like groaning. That means that you’re not pandering to their already settled prejudices.
People say I’m into black women. Robert De Niro is into black women. I’m just into women who are real, and they happen to be black.
I thought this election was an adult discussion on how best to protect ourselves in the face of terrorism, but apparently it was a referendum on boys kissing. When homophobia trumps terrorism in America, wow. This country needs to get laid.
Love does not conquer all.
I love Jesus. I just don’t like the Christians who don’t believe in what he says.
I want to thank some very special people without whom I would not be here today. George Bush, Sarah Palin and the Pope. When I came to Hollywood in 1983, I had one dream – to sleep with Jodie Foster. That didn’t work out, but this is nice, too.
Who takes care of their people better? FEMA or Hezbollah?
That’s ended, that’s over. I want you to meet my pimps. I thought, I’m a show-business ho already, so I might as well be a real ho.
I think the funniest stuff comes from the heaviest stuff.