Canadian bacon isn’t bacon. It’s ham.
If you believe that the world is going to come to an end – and perhaps any day now – does it not drain one’s motivation to improve life on earth while we’re here?
We don’t like mystery. You like mystery, ’cause it’s not a mystery to you; you know when you’re gonna get laid.
Obama is huge in the polls these days. His popularity is soaring. Even conservatives are coming around. 30 percent of them now believe Obama deserves a Green Card.
I think girls hate each other, no doesn’t always mean no, you have to lie to stay married, women’s sports are boring and the Olympics are gay.
There are people who think everything is a conspiracy and I think they’re crazy.
God makes trees, he doesn’t write books.
Jesus is not a candle. A company in South Dakota is selling candles with the scent of Jesus. You light one and your friends says, Christ, what’s that smell?
Anyone who is elected mayor of a place called Sin City is allowed to be a drunk.
How can the Republicans get away with picking their Dennis Kucinich, but when – if the Democrats tried it, all hell would break lose?
The thing I don’t understand about homosexuals is, how do they decide which one is the one who’s supposed to pretend they don’t want it?
I just don’t think a lot of Republicans like it when single women have sex.
There’s no greater model, in my view, than Jesus Christ.
New Rule: The people of America who were most in favor of the Iraq War must now go there and fight it.
I’m staying in a strange hotel. I called room service for a sandwich and they sent up two hookers.
I don’t know if you heard the news, but Wall Street now is a farmer’s market. I don’t want to say things are going downhill quickly, but Obama’s new campaign slogan is ‘Are you better off than you were four days ago?’
And to answer the question that people have about this conspiracy theory that he has a pack in his back, my answer is, if someone was feeding him answers, couldn’t they be able to feed him better ones than he came up with?
I think what’s dangerous is the idea that someone can wash away your sins.
Saddam Hussein is Hitler like Oasis was The Beatles.
In this country your guilty until proven wealthy.