I understand we’re on our way to being a Third World country. Could we just stop at ‘Second World’ before we get there?
To give you an idea how slowly we are leaving Afghanistan, Afghans don’t refer to us anymore as ‘infidel crusaders.’ They refer to us as ‘Irish relatives.’
The Senate decided they will be smoke-free. They ordained that all public areas in the Senate are now smoke-free. However, the senators themselves will still be allowed to blow smoke up each other’s asses.
Atheism is a religion the way abstinence is a sex position.
When we make mistakes they call it evil.
Doctors said that the test most commonly used to screen for colon cancer doesn’t go far enough. They’re recommending a procedure that involves photographing the entire colon. I say, don’t vie CBS an idea for another reality show.
New Rule: Someone must x-ray my stomach to see if the Peeps I ate on Easter are still in there, intact and completely undigested. And I’m not talking about this past Easter. I’m talking about the last time I celebrated Easter, in 1962.
If Jesus was a Jew, why did he have a Spanish name?
It would be kind of a tragedy if we got to the end of four years of Democratic rule without having really tried any Democratic policies.
The idea that I hear from the right wing in the last few decades, is that any sort of sacrifice is an affront to my liberty as an American to be a pig the way I want to.
Eunice Kennedy Shriver, President Kennedy’s sister, endorsed Arnold Schwarzenegger, said he’s not a womanizer. Of course by Kennedy standards that means he never drove one off a bridge.
I have two questions about Arnold Schwarzenegger. What does he know, and when will he know it?
I’m guessing our soldiers are happy to be leaving Iraq. It is no fun being in a country where there’s crumbling infrastructure and an ignorant population, but they said they’re happy to come home anyway.
Today Obama was seen leaving the White House in a nurse’s uniform on a flight to Cuba to smother Castro with a pillow.
I always say to my religious friends, if a pool had even one turd in it, would you jump in?
Edward Snowden gave a little press conference today. He is apparently seeking temporary asylum in Russia. Because, you know, when you’re tired of the government snooping into everything you do, Putin’s Russia is definitely the place you want to go.
When you tolerate intolerance, you’re not really being a liberal.
Death is nature’s way of killing you.
Did you see Britney Spears at the Video Music Awards? I don’t want to say that that performance was a disaster, but after the show, I saw Rudy Giuliani having his picture taken standing on her.
Sarah Palin’s whole family got into a drunken public fistfight. Something police are calling a ‘tragic case of trash-on-trash violence.’