A lot of good has come from drugs. I think ‘Penny Lane’ is worth 10 dead kids. Dark Side of the Moon is worth 100 dead kids. Because a lot of kids wouldn’t even be born if it weren’t for that album, so it evens out.
Your fuselage shouldn’t open more easily than your pretzel bag.
Hot women have to stop putting long paragraphs of text on their bodies. I know you think it’s sexy but one thing that men never think is, “Gee, you know what would make this sex better? Having something to read.”
Hi, I’m Bill. I’m a birth survivor.
You can’t claim you’re for peace if you’re not willing to disturb it.
When I was in high school the worst thing you could ever get was VD. Talk about the sniffles! I just want to meet an old-fashioned girl with gonorrhea.
Why is monotheistic faith better than polytheistic? I mean, either you believe – if you believe in, like, a magic person who can do magic things, why is it different – so different if it’s Superman or the Fantastic Four?
Face the fact that there’s only one sure-fire way to erase credit card debt. By picking up a big, shiny pair of scissors and cutting your wife in half.
The “Power of One” is a slogan – not a goal.
Space tourism is God’s way of telling you you aren’t spending enough on lap dances, baccarat and cocaine.
For the first time since 1979, we are talking to the Islamic Republic of Iran. Obama says talking to him is probably pointless, but it’s a hell of a relief from Mitch McConnell.
I never thought I’d say this, what Obama needs in his personality is a little George Bush.
If you belonged to a political party or a social club that was tied to as much bigotry, misogyny, homophobia, violence, and sheer ignorance as religion is, youd resign in protest. To do otherwise is to be an enabler – a mafia wife.
In America, if a Democrat even thinks you’re calling him liberal he grabs an orange vest and a rifle and heads into the woods to kill something.
Sex is too easy for women to get, and too hard for men. I mean, honestly, for a man to walk into someplace and have every woman ready to take him home, he’d have to rule the world. A woman would have to do her hair.
The New York Times – but the whole country gives it that weight. It’s like the Asian kid in math class. Everybody in the media cheats off The New York Times.
I mean, maybe one day we will live in a more optimum world where terrorists come in every color of the rainbow. But the truth is, now they don’t. I mean, the people who are trying to get us are young Muslim men, period.
Is it like gay men go into the priesthood because they figure, well, this’ll solve my problem. I can’t be a homosexual in the priesthood; it’ll just go away. Maybe I’ll try it with the Republican Party.
Don’t say a woman is crazy just because she runs away from her wedding.
I don’t dislike children, I just don’t particularly want to be around with them a lot. Problem is, neither do their parents.