If you ignore every single thing Jesus told you to do, you are just auditing. You’re not a Christian.
Everybody has a magazine and a channel. There are 500 channels and 500 magazines, and we wonder why we’re not united as a country.
To even win a nomination in this country, you have to say you’re a person of great faith. You have to pledge to the people out there that you put your faith in things that are unable to be proven – that you suspend critical thinking as the way to go.
Hollywood isn’t your cesspool, America. It’s your mirror.
Maybe a president who didn’t believe our soldiers were going to heaven might be a little less willing to get them killed.
What is “martinizing” and why does it only take one hour?
Well, I hate to tell youbut if you have a flu shot for more than five years in a row, there’s ten times the likelihood that you’ll get Alzheimer’s disease.
Community is gathering around a fire and listening to someone tell a story.
I see they found out the universe is 80 million years older than we thought. It’s also been lying about its weight.
Last week, I suggested the candidates take up mushrooms. I’ll be damned if Rick Perry didn’t take me up on that.
Catholicism has changed tremendously in recent years. Now when Communion is served there is also a salad bar.
New Rule: This Valentine’s Day Americans must remember that politicians are like a box of chocolates. We bite into them to find out what’s on the inside only to discover that Democrats are too often soft and gooey and Republicans are mostly nuts.
That’s what American democracy has come down to at these town hall meetings: old people and gun nuts, which is a terrible combination. I heard somebody yell ‘AK-47!’ and a lady yelled, ‘Bingo!’
Paul Revere was warning the British about gun control, and George Washington apparently was crossing the Delaware to bomb an abortion clinic.
This is why rational people – anti-religionists – must end their timidity and come out of their closet and assert themselves.
Religion is insanity by consensus.
I would describe my spirituality as exactly the opposite of having a religious affiliation.
I always compare marriage to communism. They’re both institutions that don’t conform to human nature, so you’re going to end up with lying and hypocrisy.
Hillary Clinton and Nancy Reagan have a lot in common – they’re both smarter than their husbands and both consulted the stars for guidance, Nancy with astrology and Hillary with Barbra Streisand.
A lot of people have warned President Clinton that Bosnia will turn into another Vietnam, which would be embarrassing for him because he’ll have to go back to college.