I’m not into western medicine. That to me is a complete scare tactic.
This country hates professors. It likes Toby Keith – ‘I’m gonna put a boot in their ass.’ If you don’t do that, somehow you can’t be strong.
Officials believe that one of the terrorists was a woman. And there are female suicide bombers. It’s just that their reward in paradise is a little different. Instead of getting 72 virgins, they get 72 guys who just listen.
This Ted Cruz guy, I mean, he incurred the wrath, really, of his own party. They don’t like him. Democrats hate him. Independents hate him. Republicans hate him. Even Miley Cyrus, he’s the one guy she refuses to lick.
If you, the citizen, deliberately vote for someone who won’t give you healthcare over someone who will, you need to have your head examined. Except you can’t afford to have your head examined.
Just honest. To me, being ‘politically incorrect’ means the opposite of being political – which means to spin everything. That’s all it’s ever meant to me. It’s never meant liberal or conservative. It means honest.
When I was 5-years-old, I knew who Khrushchev was.
The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight...
Now people want Brian Williams to resign, but it could have a happy ending. Apparently what he said was such a blatant departure from the truth, today he got an offer from Fox News.
My father was a news guy, you know, he was in radio news. And so that was sort of in my DNA. It was something we talked about at the dinner table when I was a kid.
If we were a dog and God owned us, the cops would come and take us away.
Death is the monster we all fear, yet with each day, we walk toward it, and can’t help doing so; we can’t help but walk toward the one thing we’re most trying to avoid.
More astronauts have been to the moon than farmers who paid the inheritance tax in 2013.
If I thought the Lord was speaking to me I’d check myself into Bellevue, and I think you should too.
If conservatives get to call universal healthcare ‘socialized medicine,’ I get to call private, for-profit healthcare ‘soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain.’
Rick Santorum doesn’t like sex. He doesn’t like the pill. He really doesn’t like condoms. He said if men are going to pull something on to prevent procreation, nothing works better that a sweater vest.
George Bush says, ‘Gore’s book needs a lot of explaining.’ Of course, Bush says that about every book.
You know, the only place in America where the millionaires and billionaires are predominantly liberal is here in Hollywood.
All marriages are same sex marriages. You get married and every night, it’s the same sex.
Stupidity is not another form of knowledge.