If we were a dog and God owned us, the cops would come and take us away.
Death is the monster we all fear, yet with each day, we walk toward it, and can’t help doing so; we can’t help but walk toward the one thing we’re most trying to avoid.
More astronauts have been to the moon than farmers who paid the inheritance tax in 2013.
If I thought the Lord was speaking to me I’d check myself into Bellevue, and I think you should too.
If conservatives get to call universal healthcare ‘socialized medicine,’ I get to call private, for-profit healthcare ‘soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain.’
Rick Santorum doesn’t like sex. He doesn’t like the pill. He really doesn’t like condoms. He said if men are going to pull something on to prevent procreation, nothing works better that a sweater vest.
George Bush says, ‘Gore’s book needs a lot of explaining.’ Of course, Bush says that about every book.
You know, the only place in America where the millionaires and billionaires are predominantly liberal is here in Hollywood.
All marriages are same sex marriages. You get married and every night, it’s the same sex.
Stupidity is not another form of knowledge.
If you ignore every single thing Jesus told you to do, you are just auditing. You’re not a Christian.
Everybody has a magazine and a channel. There are 500 channels and 500 magazines, and we wonder why we’re not united as a country.
To even win a nomination in this country, you have to say you’re a person of great faith. You have to pledge to the people out there that you put your faith in things that are unable to be proven – that you suspend critical thinking as the way to go.
Hollywood isn’t your cesspool, America. It’s your mirror.
Maybe a president who didn’t believe our soldiers were going to heaven might be a little less willing to get them killed.
What is “martinizing” and why does it only take one hour?
Well, I hate to tell youbut if you have a flu shot for more than five years in a row, there’s ten times the likelihood that you’ll get Alzheimer’s disease.
Community is gathering around a fire and listening to someone tell a story.
I see they found out the universe is 80 million years older than we thought. It’s also been lying about its weight.
Last week, I suggested the candidates take up mushrooms. I’ll be damned if Rick Perry didn’t take me up on that.