People sometimes say how standup is so hard, and I always tell them that it’s hard at the beginning.
I’ll show you Obama’s birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin’s high school diploma.
Germs do not have a political party.
New rule: Stop calling it Obamacare. It’s not like Obama will be the doctor for your next prostate exam. That’s just a common fantasy of Republican men.
Laughter is sort of a natural truth detector. If you laugh at something, it’s probably because there was some truth in it.
Ronald Reagan basically legalized every illegal immigrant in this country. I just like to bring this up because every week I like to make Republican heads explode about how they love Ronald Reagan, but would despise everything he did.
Only a Bush could answer a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ question two different ways and be wrong both times.
Ronald Reagan came from show business. His idea of how the government should help the homeless was like your agent. “We’ll try to get you work. But don’t bug us about it.”
Americans are used to being pandered to and spoon-fed everything. In a culture that needs caffeine-free cherry chocolate diet Coke, you’d best deliver information with entertainment.
Beating Newt Gingrich in a popularity contest is like beating Stephen Hawking in ‘Dancing with the Stars.’
Religion is detrimental to the progress of society.
I think America causes cancer, longevity is less important than fun, and young people should be discouraged from voting.
You know, we do a lot of complaining here in America. And that itself is something they can’t do in a lot of other countries.
The NRA made an ad saying that Obama is elitist because his kids have armed guards. Yeah, that crazy Obama thinking his kids need special protection. I love the NRA accusing anyone of being paranoid. It’s like a septic tank saying, ‘You need a mint.’
Don’t get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.
During the Depression, or back when we were fighting Hitler, people didn’t have time to sue a company if the coffee was too hot. There were urgent, pressing problems. If you think you have it tough, read history books.
If you have a few hundred followers and you let some of them molest children, they call you a cult leader. If you have a billion, they call you Pope.
Maybe every other American movie shouldn’t be based on a comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where reality is whatever we say it is and every problem can be solved with violence.
The Republican Party is like the corpse in ‘Weekend at Bernies’ and the Tea Party is like the two guys who put sunglasses and a party hat on it and drag it around.
The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.