My policy is I am always more than happy to say, “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings.” What I am not willing to do is take back what I said. Unless I am wrong.
How come regional pandering only works in one direction, right? You never see a Southern politician trying to win votes in New York State by saying, ‘I read books and make a mean vegan meatloaf.’
People like the Mormons and the Scientologists, who I think should combine and make a Mormontologist because what they believe is just so out there it’s just laughable.
Americans are gluttons. We shop with forklifts. We have a holiday where we stuff food into other food. Our strippers wrestle in Jell-O, where other countries have to use mud.
Oh, America! I could never leave you! You’re like my dog, dumb as a post but you make me laugh!
One of the reasons I still do stand-up is because it was so hard in the beginning that I feel like it would be such a shame not to redeem it that it’s all fun.
The President said that Gold told him to invade Iraq. You see that’s what happens when you mix New Testament and Old Milwaukee.
A flu shot is the worst thing you can do.
A flu shot just compromises your immune system.
The truth can be hard to take, but we have an obligation to look and see what’s going on, and, if we don’t like it, a chance to stop going along with it. This important film provides precisely that insight and that opportunity.
I’m not into western medicine. That to me is a complete scare tactic.
This country hates professors. It likes Toby Keith – ‘I’m gonna put a boot in their ass.’ If you don’t do that, somehow you can’t be strong.
Officials believe that one of the terrorists was a woman. And there are female suicide bombers. It’s just that their reward in paradise is a little different. Instead of getting 72 virgins, they get 72 guys who just listen.
This Ted Cruz guy, I mean, he incurred the wrath, really, of his own party. They don’t like him. Democrats hate him. Independents hate him. Republicans hate him. Even Miley Cyrus, he’s the one guy she refuses to lick.
If you, the citizen, deliberately vote for someone who won’t give you healthcare over someone who will, you need to have your head examined. Except you can’t afford to have your head examined.
Just honest. To me, being ‘politically incorrect’ means the opposite of being political – which means to spin everything. That’s all it’s ever meant to me. It’s never meant liberal or conservative. It means honest.
When I was 5-years-old, I knew who Khrushchev was.
The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight...
Now people want Brian Williams to resign, but it could have a happy ending. Apparently what he said was such a blatant departure from the truth, today he got an offer from Fox News.
My father was a news guy, you know, he was in radio news. And so that was sort of in my DNA. It was something we talked about at the dinner table when I was a kid.