When you get people who are out of office, suddenly their tongues loosen up and suddenly they say the things that you wish they’d said or did when they were in office.
In an average moral universal society, good people will try to do the right thing, and psychotic people will do wicked things. But if you want to make good people do wicked things, you need them to be religious.
What mostly prevents black people from voting is that drug laws send them to prison, and then they can’t vote.
Many people can’t deal with unanswered questions, which religion exploits by providing answers, even if they are just made up by someone. This is also why we love TV shows and movies that neatly wrap up everything in exactly an hour or two.
The difference, I think, that matters is which of the religions are dangerous. They’re all crazy, but which ones have the potential to turn that into death. In that area, I think we have to worry the most about the Muslims and the Christians.
In fact, because people are religious, they think they can do bad things.
I don’t think all life is precious. I know people say that all the time, “Life is precious.” I think some life is precious, and some life is just a waste of protoplasm. Start over.
Life is about making tough choices. Sometimes you have to go where your career is going.
When the tabloids photograph me when I’m out, I always say: “You know what, folks? I’m not married and I’m not gay. You caught me with a hot chick. You got me. Take me to hot-chick jail. Did it again. Guilty.”
Anything is depressing if you dwell on it. The fact that religion could end the world? Yeah, I guess that could be considered depressing. But considering that there’s also a lot to laugh at, I think it’s a good balance.
My policy is I am always more than happy to say, “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings.” What I am not willing to do is take back what I said. Unless I am wrong.
How come regional pandering only works in one direction, right? You never see a Southern politician trying to win votes in New York State by saying, ‘I read books and make a mean vegan meatloaf.’
People like the Mormons and the Scientologists, who I think should combine and make a Mormontologist because what they believe is just so out there it’s just laughable.
Americans are gluttons. We shop with forklifts. We have a holiday where we stuff food into other food. Our strippers wrestle in Jell-O, where other countries have to use mud.
Oh, America! I could never leave you! You’re like my dog, dumb as a post but you make me laugh!
One of the reasons I still do stand-up is because it was so hard in the beginning that I feel like it would be such a shame not to redeem it that it’s all fun.
The President said that Gold told him to invade Iraq. You see that’s what happens when you mix New Testament and Old Milwaukee.
A flu shot is the worst thing you can do.
A flu shot just compromises your immune system.
The truth can be hard to take, but we have an obligation to look and see what’s going on, and, if we don’t like it, a chance to stop going along with it. This important film provides precisely that insight and that opportunity.