Life is a tragedy filled with suffering and despair and yet some people do manage to avoid jury duty.
People ask me whether I think that one day I might wake up one morning and run dry, but I’ve had the opposite feeling – that I would die before I had time to write all the ideas in my drawer.
I got a divorce because my ex-wife left me for another woman.
In life, one is entitled to a side dish of either coleslaw or potato salad, and the choice must be made in terror, with the knowledge that not only is our time on earth limited but most kitchens close at ten.
I foresee death by culture shock.
I can’t do anything to death, doctor’s orders.
Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.
I am plagued by doubts.
You make films whether they’re dramas or comedies about neurotic people. Flawed people. Interesting personality traits. To make them about calm, stable untroubled people isn’t interesting.
Every hooker I ever speak to tells me that it beats the hell out of waitressing.
Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.
Many people who get a lot of money are willing to work with me for no money. This is true.
Regarding love what can you say? It’s not the quantity of your sexual relations that counts. It’s the quality. On the other hand if the quantity drops below once every eight months, I would definitely look into it.
My parents stayed together for forty years. But that was out of spite.
Well, if I don’t get at least 16 hours, I’m a basket case.
Life is unresolved, confusing, bewildering, puzzling, ambiguous. You don’t really know what’s going to happen. The future is uncertain for everybody.
Oh, he was probably a member of the National Rifle Association. It was a group that helped criminals get guns so they could shoot citizens. It was a public service.
I recently turned 60. Practically a third of my life is over.
Comedians have a tendency to have a limited range, they tend to do one thing and do it very well, but it’s limited.
What if nothing exists and we’re all in somebody’s dream? Or what’s worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?