I find it hard to believe that so many people doubt the existence of God. I mean, seriously, I’m here, so is it such a stretch to imagine that another all-powerful being could exist somewhere in the universe?
I heard about the Dalai Lama, you know and I thought to myself, why not me?
Women are like parking spots, the best ones are handicapped.
I never really understood all the hype, until I got one of my own.
Without me, Scrubs would be worse than the holocaust. But with me in it, it’s turned into the lolocaust.
The problem with doing commercials is that the only thing good enough for me to sell is myself, and I stopped doing that once I kicked my coke habit.
It depresses me when people expect me to be like the characters I play on film. I’m not some whiny loser punk, I’m a man’s man.
Now that ‘Scrubs’ is over, people seem to feel more comfortable telling me that I was a total douche to them for the past 8 years. And the whole time I’m thinking, ‘Who ARE you?’
People always tell me I should run for president, but I don’t think they’d give me enough time off to make my films.
Turning water to wine? I mean c’mon, that’s stupid. They should have let me write the bible.
I don’t mind it if blacks want equal rights, as long as they mean rights equal to a dog.
You want to know the secret of my success? Let me tell you about eugenics...
You don’t need an alarm clock when you sleep with 20 models a night, one of those broads’ll figure out that they better make breakfast in bed or I’ll kill all of them.
I wouldn’t call myself a modern Shakespeare, but Shakespeare was probably to his generation what I am to mine.
When I let some girl take me in her mouth I think this is what Jesus must feel like during communion.
My co-stars aren’t bad actors, but they’re no Zach Braff.
You know, I think there should be a Zach Braff Day. We could have it on December 25th and then people can decide whether they want to celebrate me or Jesus. If you ask me, the choice is pretty obvious.
I’ve had to remove all mirrors from my home. I just can’t seem to look at myself without having to buff the bishop, you know?
When you win your first Grammy, it’s true, you really want to thank all the little people.
I never looked at bread the same way again.