Hitler had the right idea. He was just an underachiever.
I was originally set to star in ‘The Bourne Identity,’ but I found it too difficult to even pretend to forget who I was.
I mean, I know thousands of people died and everything, but if it happened today, there’s just no excuse. They’d be much safer inside a movie theater watching one of my movies instead of burning alive in a collapsing skyscraper.
It really is fascinating stuff, and I’ve picked it up on Scrubs. Memorizing lines is at least as hard as studying a text book, I mean, by this point I know about as much as most ‘real’ doctors.
You know, I’ve occasionally tried to watch other shows besides Scrubs, but comparing them is a bit like me competing in the special Olympics. Obviously I would win without contest, but the point is that they are trying their best.
It turns out Superman is weak to Kryptonite and horses.
I’ve turned down a lot of proposed scripts for Scrubs episodes, mainly ones with AIDs patients. It sickens me, really. If you don’t want AIDs, don’t be a ice cream man. Or African. I’m neither and I’m fine.
I did theater for a few years while I was in New York, but it was tough having to perform scripts worse than what I knew I could write.
I love queers as much as the next guy, I just don’t think I should have to sit beside them on public transport.
I’m by no means condemning prescription medicine for mental health. I’ve seen it save a lot of people’s lives.
It blows my mind that there are people out there who deny the holocaust. Why would you ever deny such a great achievement. It’s like denying the cure for polio or something.
Whenever I’m feeling a bit down, I always visit the local children’s hospital. Knowing that those cancer-kids wont be able to live long enough to surpass me in fame just warms my heart, you know?
I love signing autographs! Sometimes, when people ask me for one, I keep the photo for myself and frame it. It’s a Win-Win situation really; I get an extra 25 dollars in my pocket AND another portrait for my bedroom.
You always see black people complaining about this and that, but you never see me complaining about how slow they work on my plantation.
You always see actors complaining about being typecast and ruining their career. Really, I don’t see the point in complaining. If the only role you can play well is a black dude, you’re never going to get ahead in this town, and you should just accept it.
My tears cure cancer too, it’s just that I laugh at cancer patients.
If I could change anything about Garden State, it would be to cast somebody else for the female lead. Natalie just isn’t really that good of an actress. Especially when compared to me. Just watch the two of us, it’s light and dark. I am by far the better Jew.
I’d never hit a woman unless I was already out of Viagra.
People have called me fake, but personally, I don’t think I’m fake because I’m so insincere.
Don’t get me wrong, I love the idea of killing unwanted babies, it’s just that the idea of letting women make a decision doesn’t sit well with me.