Im just not really attracted to black chicks.
I always liked the story of Noah’s Ark and the idea of starting anew by rescuing the things you like and leaving the rest behind.
Once both gay marriage and marijuana are finally legal, those of you against them are not invited to the really fun parties I’m gonna throw.
Oh I love children, but I could never eat a whole one.
I think a big part of being a success is confidence. Just look at me, I know I’m successful, and I am.
Yeah, the gay pride movement is precious and all, but I think it’s about time we asked ourselves what gay people really have to offer to society.
Retarded kids are the best. When they ask for an autograph I just fake sign a picture and tell them that it’s in invisible ink and it will show up later. They totally buy it. It saves me a fortune in markers.
Working on ‘Scrubs’ made me feel guilty because I realized that if I had decided to become an actual doctor, instead of just playing one, I could probably have found a cure to cancer within five years.
I mean, personally, I would have had no problem surviving. Come on, how hard is it to swim?
I figure it this way – if a woman claims she didn’t want me to fudge her, then you already know she’s a liar. So what the hell’s the point of a trial, y’know?
I’m pretty sure Africa was made up by the media to scare people. I mean, I’ve never seen it. Have you? I didn’t think so.
The biggest problem I had with starring in Scrubs were the black doctors. I just had to keep telling myself this show was satire.
I don’t think that other races are inferior, I just think that there’s something special about white people. Sometimes, when I think about all the things white people have accomplished throughout history, I smile, and I nod, and I think to myself, ‘Yeah, I’m glad I’m on that team.’
I stand stark naked in front of the mirror and gaze directly into my own eyes. I utter ‘Good morning, handsome’ and my lips quiver as I stare at myown body. I don’t break eye contact until I blow my load. Not once do I actually touch myself.
My dog has a cough. If you’ve never seen a dog with a cough, I recommend trying to find one. It’s hilarious.
It’s really hard to find parts that challenge me as an actor these days. At this point in my career, I feel like I can just sleepwalk through most of my roles and still do a better job than 90 percent of the actors out there.
I’ve always preferred Marvel over DC. I just relate to their characters better. I mean look at Wolverine, at first he was just a bit player in an ensemble cast. Now he’s the only reason people read X-Men. Just like me and Scrubs.
One time I considered making a video game about my life where people control a character called ‘Zach Braff’ and run around being awesome. Then I realized that getting to pretend to be me would be like shooting up heroin for anyone who played it, and I don’t want that on my conscience.
When I was little I always wanted to drive a train. That, and become a baker.
I was excited about The Dark Knight until Heath Ledger gave away the ending, Batman always wins.