So many books, so little time.
All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.
Just because you have the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn’t mean we all have.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.
I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
Let’s think the unthinkable, let’s do the undoable. Let us prepare to grapple with the ineffable itself, and see if we may not eff it after all.
I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t laugh.
Humanity takes itself too seriously. It is the world’s original sin. If the cave-man had known how to laugh, History would have been different.
Brevity is the soul of wit.
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.
Trust me. I’m a genius.
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot.
In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.