Writing is easy. All you have to do is cross out the wrong words.
Some people walk in the rain, others just get wet.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.
It usually takes me two or three days to prepare an impromptu speech.
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.
A father is someone who is proud to see you get your first car, but secretly wishes it had no keys.
There is little success where there is little laughter.
True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
You grow up the day you have the first real laugh at yourself.