When it is a question of money, everybody is of the same religion.
Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.
I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.
Don’t cry for a man who’s left you – the next one may fall for your smile.
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?
Go on, prove me wrong. Destroy the fabric of the universe. See if I care.
Insanity is catching.
Oh sorry, I was taking life seriously.
I don’t mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that’s how it comes out.
Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you’ll be a mile away and have his shoes.
When there’s an elephant in the room introduce him.
Never, ever underestimate the importance of having fun.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forego their use.
Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.
Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman – or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.
A serious and good philosophical work could be written consisting entirely of jokes.
I have Many Problems in My Life. But my leaps don’t know that. They always smile.