Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.
I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.
Reality continues to ruin my life.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Give a man a fire and he’s warm for a day, but set fire to him and he’s warm for the rest of his life.
Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don’t always like.
Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.
A good friend will always stab you in the front.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
You will always be fond of me. I represent to you all the sins you never had the courage to commit.
Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.
I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
Life is a disease: sexually transmitted, and invariably fatal.
Experience is merely the name men gave to their mistakes.
It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it’s called Life.
The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they’ll kill you.