Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
Music is the only religion that delivers the goods.
The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.
I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation.
Every year, many, many stupid people graduate from college. And if they can do it, so can you.
I beg your pardon, I didn’t recognise you – I’ve changed a lot.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious.
I’m fine, thanks for not asking.
If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning.
A lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth.
There is nothing so annoying as having two people talking when you’re busy interrupting.
Speed has never killed anyone. Suddenly becoming stationary, that’s what gets you.
To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid - one must also be well-mannered.
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
They say all marriages are made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightning.
Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.