Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I’d rather dance with the cows until you come home.
For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong.
We are never deceived; we deceive ourselves.
History repeats itself, first as tragedy, second as farce.
He never chooses an opinion; he just wears whatever happens to be in style.
I don’t care what you say, so don’t even speak.
The world doesn’t owe you anything. It was here first.
Making others happy, through kindness of speech and sincerity of right advice, is a sign of true greatness. To hurt another soul by sarcastic words, looks, or suggestions, is despicable.
We have so much time and so little to do. Strike that, reverse it.
Cocaine is God’s way of telling you you are making too much money.
Socialism only works in two places: Heaven where they don’t need it and hell where they already have it.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.
You’re on earth. There’s no cure for that.
Making a better tomorrow, tomorrow.
Save water. Shower with your girlfriend.
Sarcastic people tend to be marshmallows underneath the armor.
Too many people spend money they haven’t earned to buy things they don’t want to impress people they don’t like.
Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.