Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.
Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.
A father is someone who is proud to see you get your first car, but secretly wishes it had no keys.
If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.
Everything in excess! To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites. Moderation is for monks.
I make more mistakes than anyone else I know, and sooner or later, I patent most of them.
43.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Coffee is a way of stealing time that should by rights belong to your older self.
The pen is mightier than the sword if the sword is very short, and the pen is very sharp.
Things just happen. What the hell.
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’
My mind reels with sarcastic replies.
If you can’t feed a team with two pizzas, it’s too large.
If you can laugh together, you can work together.
I’ve learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
Every time I see some piece of medical research saying that caffeine is good for you, I high-five myself. Because I’m going to live forever.
Wu-Tang is for the children.