People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.
Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
Comedy is acting out optimism.
Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and it annoys the pig.
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.
If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.
Whisky is liquid sunshine.
Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something.
Cocaine is God’s way of telling you you are making too much money.
Sometimes people deserve a high five, in the face, with a chair.
How do you know you’re having fun if there’s no one watching you have it?
Death: Human beings make life so interesting. Do you know, that in a universe so full of wonders, they have managed to invent boredom.
Things just happen. What the hell.
I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.
Sometimes you gotta work a little, so you can ball a lot.
I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There’s no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing, so get yourself a sexy raincoat and live a little.
There’s no such thing as bad weather – only the wrong clothes.
Every time I see some piece of medical research saying that caffeine is good for you, I high-five myself. Because I’m going to live forever.