If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn’t brood. I’d type a little faster.
Write what you know. That should leave you with a lot of free time.
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.
Don't believe anything you read on the net. Except this. Well, including this, I suppose.
I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation.
A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.
If it were legal, I'd marry food.
There is nothing so annoying as having two people talking when you’re busy interrupting.
I’d rather pick flowers instead of fights.
A father is someone who is proud to see you get your first car, but secretly wishes it had no keys.
Life is too short to learn German.
People ask me if I could fly, I said, ‘yes... for a little while.’
If you want to get laid, go to college. If you want an education, go to the library.
Save water. Shower with your girlfriend.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.
I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.