Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.
I reject your reality and substitute my own.
When you come to a fork in the road, take it.
By faithfully working eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
There’s an old saying in Tennessee – I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee – that says, fool me once, shame on – shame on you. Fool me – you can’t get fooled again.
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
They say all marriages are made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightning.
We made too many wrong mistakes.
Laughter is an instant vacation.
Shadowhunters: Looking Better in Black Than the Widows of our Enemies Since 1234.
Life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time, and you’ll have the time of your life!
Comedy is acting out optimism.
Motivation alone is not enough. If you have an idiot and you motivate him, now you have a motivated idiot.
When I was in junior high school, the teacher voted me the student most likely to end up in the electric chair.
The dinosaurs became extinct because they didn’t have a space program.
Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.